Today is just getting worse and worse, 2 crashed servers and a corrupt data set - and thats just this morning! Can things get any worse? The most probable answer is yes! It’s lucky that i managed to find some Peter Kay one liners to cheer me up, I just thought i’d share them with my readers in case they are having an equally bad day and need cheering up!

Peter Kay One Liners

• I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?’
• When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
• I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
• I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.
• I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
• Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’, and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
• My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
• Sex is like playing bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
• I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
• If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
• I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
• You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither
• Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don’t understand, such as working for a living.
• I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
• Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before

PETER KAY’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

• Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
• At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
• One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
• Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
• You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
• Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
• You never know where to look when eating a banana.
• You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
• The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
• Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
• Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
• Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
• Old ladies can eat more than you think.
• You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
• Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
• You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

• Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
• If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
• Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?
• Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
• Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?
• What do people in China call their good quality plates?
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
• What do you call male ballerinas?
• Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.